.
.

This weekend, a solicitor came to the door. D stepped outside to speak to him (some political meeting that he was trying to get people to attend) and Beatrix peeked out the window to see what was happening.
"Grandma! Mommy! Is that Santa Claus?" she shreiked. We peeked out the window a bit more discreetly, and discovered a skinny but white-bearded and bespectacled gentleman on our porch.  "Is Santa on our porch? Is that really him? Look Mama, look!"
Did I mention the windows were open? Yes, yes they were.

d and i started off the year building ikea furniture for the girls' room. kura bed, set up like a bunk bed with just Bea's crib mattress and a shit-ton of stuffed animals on the bottom (floor level) bunk. starry tent on the top bunk for K. a giant, red, 6 shelf bookcase to house all their reading materials. a large dresser for K, a smaller one for B. we managed to set it all up so that there is space to spread out and play, and space to be alone. i like it quite a lot- i would have loved a room like that.
what i worry about now is getting Beatrix into the habit of simply falling asleep by herself. we still (still!) nurse to sleep in our bed more often than not- it is the quickest, easiest, and most comfortable for her and for me. but if i tell her no more nursing, she will complain for a bit and finally settle down, tossing and turning and finally falling asleep on her own, usually with a hand shoved into the sleeve of my shirt. i know she CAN fall asleep on her own, it's a matter of her getting comfortable with doing it in a room by herself now- at home she's been cosleeping or at very least in a room with us her whole life, and at child care she's napping on a cot in a room full of kids.
i also got on some kind of weirdo organization kick, and cleaned out our entire bedroom (which has been a disorganized, cluttery mess pretty much since Bea was born). i made a list today of all the other home improvements i need to do soon- we'll see how many i get done before the steam runs out. D is not an organizer by nature, and i am a lazy one, and we're both collectors of things...this makes it especially difficult to make the house look the way i want it to, in my heart.

For my benefit, the to-do list, some of which D has already accomplished today:
-Move twin box spring to basement
-Move white desk from girls' room to basement for sewing machine
-Move toy bin out of closet 
-Install hook in ceiling for hanging storage
-Throw away changing table
-Move small bookcase to top of stairs
-Move B’s clothes to her room
-Move knitting stash & tools into B’s old dresser
-Disassemble crib
-Organize linen closet
-Organize bathroom cupboards
-Install Frog Pod with screws
-Organize mail table
-Organize sideboard & living room cabinet
-Organize coat closet
-Organize bookcase
-Basement: Under stairs, storage area, and laundry area
-List a bunch of shizz on eBay

Beatrix at 18 months.

Dear Beatrix,

“Where did you come from, baby dear?
Out of the everywhere, into the here.” –George Macdonald

Today you are one year old, my beautiful, sweet baby girl. This first year has been spirited away from us much quicker than I thought possible- it seems like only a moment since I got my first look at you, swaddled in hospital blankets and wide-eyed, and yet sometimes I swore centuries were passing during sleepless nights and illnesses.
From the first moment I knew I was pregnant, I wondered what kind of child you would be. Now I have some idea- you are serious with a healthy dash of silly, inquisitive and musical, tenacious but easily frustrated. You delight us with your friendliness and cleverness every day; we love and adore you with all of our hearts.
This year, you learned to do a LOT of things- your first word was, “Hi,” and you love to say hello to everyone you meet. You started to speak during your 8th month, and you seem to learn a new word every day now. You say, “bye-bye” whenever someone puts on their coat, and you give kisses to us, your stuffed animals, even pictures in books. On Valentine’s Day you took your first wobbly steps on your own, but you are still more than content to walk around our house holding onto someone’s hands, and you love to practice climbing our stairs. You also love books, and you are quite happy to sit in my lap and read for an hour or more. Your favorite books have pictures of animals in them, and you are quickly learning to make all kinds of animal sounds. The animal sounds you can make are woof, moo, baa, neigh, meow, roar, and quack. All birds are ducks to you, and anything round (even an orange or a grape) you call a ball. Dolls are your favorite toys, you like to stroke them and say “nice” while you are feeding them toy bottles. You call me Mama, your dad is Dada, and you haven’t quite decided what to call your big sister, though you did say, “Hi K,” to her once. You can point to your ears, eyes, and hair, and if we ask you where your nose is you scrunch it up and sniff through it.
Your favorite things to eat are crackers (especially goldfish), cheese cubes, peas, and ravioli. We are still nursing and when you want to nurse you say, “boo, boo,” (which means boob- how embarassing this will be when you’re reading this as a teenager!). When you nurse you like to hold my hand and stroke my arm or my back, and sometimes when the light is right you make shadow puppets to amuse yourself while you are eating.
We had to take you to the hospital last month because you had a bad allergic reaction to penicillin- you broke out in a rash all over your body, and your poor little face was swollen and itchy. We decided not to take a picture of you so miserable, but trust me when I say you were not feeling well at all. We also started you on medicine for acid reflux, and you are suddenly sleeping much longer stretches at night, probably because your tummy doesn’t wake you up anymore.
You still sleep in bed with Daddy and me, but you are getting so big that sometimes you kick me out of bed and I have to go sleep on the couch. Since you are sleeping so much better, we are going to transition you to the crib soon, but I still love nursing and snuggling you to sleep every night.
There are a thousand things that I’m sure I’ve forgotten to mention- how I love to watch you sleeping, your smile with just two bottom teeth visible, the smell of your hair, your soft pudgy hands, the rolls that appeared on your arms and thighs and are now rapidly disappearing, your sweet deep chuckle and your satisfying weight on my lap.
When I was a little girl, your Grandma Morse used to look at me and say, “I see me in your eyes,” and now I know that she was talking about more than reflections. You have already taught me so much about myself and about being a mother. We’ve just started on this journey together and I am amazed every, every second at how much richer my life is because of your place in it. I am humbled and thrilled to be your mama. I love you.

Love,
Mama

my baby is 7 months old today. i can't believe that more than half a year has passed already...it seems like the blink of an eye. she went from a tiny, mewling, sleepy creature to a boisterous, hilarious, sweet and cuddly infant. she's sitting, rolling, grabbing, babbling, cooing, jumping, smiling, laughing, squealing, hugging, and all sorts of other things now. she's so much fun, i love being a mother even more than i imagined i would.

also, i cut all my hair off. it's darling, if i do say so myself.

i got pulled over for speeding again today. luckily the cop was nice and gave me a ticket with a fine but no points, as the state has a new policy that once you have a certain amount of points on your license you must pay a fee of several hundred dollars each year to reinstate your driving priviliges. nice cop doesn't agree with this policy, but wouldn't let me off with a warning as i got a speeding ticket last july and so obviously i haven't learned my lesson. starting now, i begin driving like my grandpa. people shot past me on the freeway this morning as i dawdled along at 70 mph on I-75, but it wasn't all for nothing, as an auburn hills cruiser got on the road behind me at lapeer and quickly passed me once it was certain that i was not going even ONE mile over the speed limit. i could almost see him twisting his mustache in the rearview mirror and muttering, "curses! foiled again!"

saturday morning my dear friend chris took me out to breakfast and we spent a pleasant hour over omlettes and french toast discussing motherhood and all things related- funny how when moms get out by themselves, all they talk about is their kids anyway. i am so glad that our daughters are only a year apart, she has been so much help providing advice and levity during my pregnancy and these first few crazy months of motherhood. and though it was nice getting out for breakfast, i cannot wait until next month when dre is in town and we're all going out AT NIGHT, to a place where they serve ALCOHOL.

beatrix is doing well at daycare, though sometimes she comes home hoarse from talking/yelling all day. she has suddenly become very vocal and is experimenting more than ever with sounds. last night d and i were thoroughly amused by things she was saying- sometimes what sounds like real words come out, and sometimes they're hilarious little shreiks followed by guttural caveman noises, all accompanied by the most serious baby face. she has discovered that those things waving around in front of her actually belong to her, and can fit into her mouth:

bea is a charming, smiley baby except that she hates "tummy time" and will only tolerate short bursts of it. i am told that she will never build the muscles to learn to crawl without us torturing her with it for at least half an hour each day, though, so we persevere- now if only mommy could be so vigilant about getting in even half an hour of exercise. i guess lifting her 20x a day counts, but it's not doing much for my post-baby chub. i am embarassed to even say what my weight is, though i'm certain that 10 lbs. of it is just boobies...i can't fit these knockers into anything but the stretchiest of dresses from last summer's wardrobe.

i have made tentative plans to visit my parents in florida the first week in august for a long weekend- beatrix and i will fly out there and my paternal grandfather will meet us there, as he hasn't met b yet and isn't well enough to travel here for a visit. every time i speak to him lately i think about my grandmother, and how much i wish she were here to see b. it breaks my heart that she won't be in b's life except as stories told by me about how wonderful and brave and lovely her great-grandma morse was.

i know there's more to say, but this update has become sappy and boring even to me. wank, wank, wank goes my livejournal. more later.

next week, i go back to work in the office 3 days a week. i am looking forward to getting stuff done in a timely manner without a nursing baby in my lap (ever tried to type and nurse? it's a skill i don't think i'll ever master properly). i am NOT looking forward to pumping 3x a day to try to get all the milk my baby will need for daycare, but i really want to keep nursing her and i figure if i don't get a ton of milk the first few days, i can keep pumping at home to stockpile for the following week. i really don't want to have to resort to formula. i am also going to miss our lunchtime nap together- we lie on the futon and she nurses herself (and me) to sleep.
and it is a bitter thing to have to leave your baby in the hands of strangers, albeit caring ones. i am terrified that they will call me the first day and tell me to come get her, that she is inconsolable. i left her for 2 hours with d last weekend and he had to call me to come home because she wouldn't stop crying...and that's her own father! i can't fathom leaving her for a whole day, much less 3 whole days, while i go to work. it's going to kill me at first, but i guess you get used to it. so many women do.

i want to cut my hair. not short-short, but at least shoulder-length. it's driving me crazy, and b keeps getting handfuls of it and ripping it out anyway, so it's in both our best interests to cut it.

b is getting bigger every day, and so smiley, especially when she first wakes up. it's so sweet to go pick her up from the bed and have her give you a huge, gummy grin. she makes this noise that sounds like laughing but i don't think it is- it's a kind of "heh-heh" sound. i think she's just experimenting with language.

haven't updated in donkey's years (something my grandma used to say)...
i am healing well from the c-section and the baby is fabulous. she nurses sometimes as often as every hour, but i've made peace with the whole "nursing on demand" thing (though the extended family seems kind of put off by it- "you mean she's eating AGAIN?") and just accepted the fact that shit is not going to all get done around the house. things are half-done or half-clean or half-folded, and they'll be finished when i have some goddamn time.
beatrix is darling and charming and sometimes frustrating (see "nursing on demand") but since she and i have mastered the art of lying-down nursing, and she is sleeping in bed with us, so i get a lot more sleep now than i was getting when i was sitting up trying to stay awake most of the night. the downside to that is that i hardly get to snuggle with d anymore, and that makes me really sad. but beatrix will only be little and in bed with us for a short time, and d and i have the whole rest of our lives to snuggle, so i keep telling myself it's temporary and i enjoy it even more when we do manage to get a cuddle in at night.
k seems to be adjusting well, but she is slightly attention-starved and i'm trying to be sensitive to that. she understands why the baby takes up so much of our time right now, and she is eager to help dress the baby and things of that sort, but in truth she's just too young to REALLY help and d and i often have to intervene, which i think hurts her feelings somewhat.
k is on spring break all this coming week, and so will be home with the baby and i. i have to start working from home on wednesday- i think i'm going to be overwhelmed. i wish i'd given myself an extra few days off just so i wouldn't have to start off taking care of both the girls and going back to work all at once.
i have lost more than 20 pounds of pregnancy weight, but i still can't wear my wedding ring or my fat jeans yet, and i seem to have hit a plateau. i hope to get the ok to exercise again from my midwife once i see her for my 6 week post-partum checkup on tuesday, but i'm also afraid to exercise too much right away not only because i'm still healing the incision, but i've read that lactic acid from exercise can make breastmilk taste really bad and cause a nursing strike. beatrix and i have done so well thus far at establishing a good breastfeeding relationship that i don't want to do anything to fuck that up.
i miss my friends and i even miss going to work, but that's going to be nothing compared to how i'll feel when i have to put my baby in daycare to go back to working full time in the office. i can't begin to explain what this bond is like- she's only 6 weeks old and i feel as though she's been in our lives forever. i can spend hours just watching her sleep, kissing her fuzzy little head, examining her tiny fingers and toes, poring over each eyelash and delighting in each little sigh. she has just started to really smile at us, only very rarely, but when she smiles at you it makes you feel like dancing. i love being a mommy.

( proud parents can't stop with the camera phones, already. clicky here for more pics, including baby b in her dead kennedys shirt )

hey y'all, i'm exhausted so i will just give you the short version:
labored at home all day tues, then 24 hours naturally at the birth center, after which i was only 8cm. at that point, my midwife did a very thorough internal and found scar tissue on my cervix which did not allow it to stretch at a normal rate and we decided intervention was needed as we were so exhausted at that point. so then i had an epidural and pitocin for 6 more hours to finally get me to 10 cm and ready to push, then after 2.5 hours of pushing her head was stuck behind my pelvic bone and she was really stressed, so i had to have a c-section. not exactly the kind of birth i was looking for, but she's here and that's all that matters!
so she was born on her due date, 7 lbs 4 oz, 22 in long with dark hair.
she's beautiful and nursing is going ok so far- i'm just exhausted recovering from surgery and taking care of her. i will post some pics next week sometime, but i can only do stairs once a day right now, and so i'm staying upstairs (bedroom & bathroom) most of the time until the incision heals some.

3 days until my due date, after which point i become labelled "overdue". kind of like a library book. my midwife did an internal today (ack) and said i'm 80% effaced, dilated to 1cm, and the baby is at -1 station. so basically anytime today, tomorrow, or in the next two weeks she will decide it's time to be born and start sending my body chemical signals to go ahead and birth her, already.
i'm actually in a fairly good mood, and feeling quite good with the notable exception of my sore back. all the other aches and pains are fleeting and more of a minor annoyance than anything, though when i mentioned the joint pain in my hands i got a worried look from the midwife and a promise to look into it further if it continues postpartum. i've been having painless contractions all day since my exam, so hopefully those are doing something. after thursday, though, all bets are off and i'm going to start trying all those things they taught us about in childbirth class that could bring on labor. bring on the sex and the foot massages!
i learned this weekend that BOTH of my sisters-in-law are pregnant, too, one due in july and one due in september, so beatrix will have two cousins her age to play with.
d and i have been nesting something fierce- this weekend we organized the kitchen, put up some shelves, and did the biggest job we've both been dreading: we tackled most of the basement. organized books and rearranged things and threw things out. we made the place look fairly put-together, which is something we'd been meaning to do since we moved in almost 2 years ago. we just kind of packed shit in wherever it fell and figured we'd worry about it later- now that i've been working from home (so i'll be here when i go into labor), it's been driving me batshit looking at all the CRAP everywhere. so it's nice to finally feel like the basement is "finished" (almost). we still have to organize and put away our cd's and repack the storage area, but for the most part it's done and presentable enough for when d's parents and my parents come stay with us after the baby is born.
i'm kind of feeling insular the last week or so- i think staying home and feathering my proverbial nest is making me feel this way. i don't want to talk to anyone on the phone or email anyone, i just want to be here and organize things relentlessly. this must mean she's going to be born soon, because i hardly ever feel this way, but i feel bad for not answering my phone or emails. sorry.

for anybody who's been wondering, "just how huge is monica's belly?" here's a pic from xmas eve, at 31 weeks:

pregnancy dreams are the weirdest.

two nights ago, i dreamt that there was iridescent glitter coming out of my nipples along with breastmilk. i thought to myself, that's strange, i must have eaten something with a lot of glitter in it, and woke up giggling.

i got pulled over today.

twice.

in the space of 15 minutes.

not saying i didn't deserve it, but for fuck's sake, gimme a break. first was failure to come to a complete stop at a stop sign. i did that. then the cop tells me i have expired plates, which i do- blame pregnancy brain on that one, and the fact that for some odd reason, secretary of state still has my address incorrect after two years- so i never got the thingy in the mail reminding me to do it, and being 3 months pregnant and puking a thousand times a day kind of had my mind on other things back in august. so he doesn't write me for the expired plates, but does give me a $125 ticket for the rolling stop. i swallow hard and take my medicine, and thank him with a sunny smile.

so i go on my merry way home, and i swear to god TWO BLOCKS away from my house another cop pulls me over. i already have my license and proof of insurance out the window along with the ticket i just got before he even gets out of his car. he starts to tell me i have an expired plate. "i just got pulled over," i tell cop #2, and explain to him that the other cop didn't write me for the expired tags but the secretary of state is literally across the street and that's where i'm headed to take care of it immediately. he examines the ticket and then follows me across the street to the minimall, where i drag kaelyn and myself into freezing rain and into the secretary of state literally 45 seconds before they lock the doors.

so guess where all my chrismas money is going to? yeah, to pay my ticket and tags. hooray.

on top of this minor personal drama, there's apparently a shitstorm happening on the other side of the state, and i'm thankful that i wasn't working today so that i didn't have to hear the news from vengeful friendslist posts instead of from kelly herself. love you, girl, and we're your family, we support you no matter what.

sometimes, junk mail is cool. i received this interesting tidbit of a story from a Napoleon J. Mitten today in my email...below the penis-enlargement magic pill advertisement was this:

Dimitri Krupkin sat at the white wrought-iron table, his face pale-and it was his full face, as his chin beard had been removed-and refused to speak to anyone until he had finished his third brandy. Like Panov, Conklin and David Webb, he was clearly a hurt man, a wounded man, a man in considerable physical pain, which, like the others, he did not care to dwell upon, as what lay ahead was infinitely better than what he had left behind. His decidedly inferior clothes seemed to annoy him whenever he glanced down at them, but he shrugged continually in silence, the shrugs conveying the fact that soon he would be back in sartorial splendor. His first words were to the elderly Brendan Prefontaine as he appraised the former judges intricately laced peach guayabera above the royal-blue trousers. I like that outfit, he said admiringly. Very tropical and in good taste for the climate.

i haven't updated in forever, and it seems getting out of the habit of writing makes it even harder to start up again.

my belly is getting huge, everything is just swell with the baby and i'm not too incredibly uncomfortable yet. i do, however, have some numb spots above my navel that are kinda freaking me out. moms, is this normal? did parts of your skin go numb from being stretched so tight? i am a drum, beating from the inside. i haven't gained a ton of weight, only 17 lbs total for the first two trimesters, and it's all in my belly so far- though my boobs have gained half a cup size, but nothing dramatic. i'm eating as healthy as i can manage, and giving in to junkfood cravings only on a minor basis.

i managed to curb my urge to do a bunch of holiday knitting this year, so i'm only making things for people who specifically asked for them. mother-in-law is getting lace socks, one of which is done and not only fits her (i had her try it on last weekend) but looks fabulous, the second of which only has the instep and toe to be finished. i did the first one on double-pointed needles and decided to try to speed up the process on the second and taught myself the magic loop method, which rocks, and completed almost the whole sock in 3 days (a personal record, though i did have a bunch of uninterrupted knitting time in the car to and from grand rapids for thanksgiving). Other Kelly, my sister in law, wanted a scarf and hat and we went to a new yarn store in g.r. to pick out what she wanted me to make them out of. i whipped out a hatmione for her (minus the bobbles, mostly because i forgot them) in 3 days and have started a short row rib scarf. she was not picky at all about what pattern i used, as long as she got a hat and scarf in the end, so i'm not attempting a cabled scarf to match the hat. they're a pain in the ass anyway, as there's a right side and a wrong side to cabled fabric, so i chose the short row rib because it looks good no matter how you wear it and it's not going to drive me insane with boredom like a plain ribbed pattern would. it's a relief to go from size 1 sock needles to size 10.5 for the scarf, and from sock weight to worsted weight yarn (think knitting with string versus knitting with raggedy ann's hair)- i think it will take me maybe all this weekend to finish the scarf and then i can go back to finishing the sock, and i will be done. then i'm going to concetrate on knitting for me and for the baby- i have some great purple/grey/black yarn to make a few pairs of bootie socks, and i'm going to work on the lace shawl i started back in august with the motivation that it may or may not make a great nursing cover. hope Beatrix isn't allergic to mohair.

d and i are taking bradley method natural childbirth classes, which both of us are really enjoying. this week at the end of class the instructor showed us that bit from Monty Python's Meaning of Life when the baby is born in the hospital- the whole bit with the "fetus frightening room" and the callous doctors and the "machine that goes 'PING'".

Mother on delivery table: What should I do?
Doctor: Nothing, dear, you're not qualified.

the more i learn, the more i am committed to having a natural childbirth. if we didn't live so damn close to beaumont hospital (put it this way- i can see the south wing from our bedroom window) i think i would be changing doctors so that i could give birth at a nearby birth center instead of at the hospital, but as i'm officially in the third trimester starting today it's a bit late to be deciding this. i wish i had read more about pregnancy and childbirth when we were trying to get pregnant. but the positive side to living so close is that i can wait until the baby is practically crowning to go to the hospital, that way i can successfully avoid a lot of routine interventions. i am PETRIFIED of episiotomy, too, so i've been doing squatting exercises and kegels every day to strengthen my pelvic floor muscles and stretch the perineum. d knows that if anybody comes near me with scissors during delivery that he is to defend my perineum with his life.

we found out a weird coincidence over thanksgiving- his mom told us that d was born two weeks early, his original due date was 7/28/75. whenever i heard my birth story growing up, it was a big deal that i was several days late- every day my mom would wake up and wonder, "is it going to be today?" and every night she'd go to bed thinking, maybe tomorrow. i was born 8/7/75- 10 days past my original due date of 7/28/75. which means that d and i were probably conceived on the same day. how fucking weird is that? soul mates, indeed.

i must go eat many miniature dove chocolates now, as baby Beatrix is demanding it.

argh. work sucking ogre balls.
baby kicking me repeatedly in the cervix.
broke.

but d and i did get to go to two halloween parties this weekend, and the event at Greenfield Village that we took k to on saturday night was awesome! not-too-spooky fun that all 3 of us enjoyed.

yesterday my favorite cousin was in town from chicago, so i got to spend a few hours with her and my grandparents and tied-for-favorite uncle. grandma made us veal picatta and spinach balls and angel food cake, and we sat and talked for hours. makes me feel a little better that i missed the last-minute 84th birthday celebration for my grandpa, because i got to talk to him way more yesterday than i would have with more relatives around.

tonight, we're taking k trick or treating with her friend samantha and samantha's little brother...it's supposed to rain. i hope it holds off.

we had our big anatomy ultrasound yesterday, and everything is perfect. i couldn't believe the intricacy of this little human; everything is where it should be, and doing what it should be. heart beating, bladder filled with fluid which means the kidneys are working, stomach filled with fluid which means the baby is swallowing amniotic fluid just as it's supposed to, hands and arms and legs moving. we saw tiny hands, tiny feet, tiny bones, and... girl parts. no penis.
needless to say, we were a bit shocked, having convinced ourselves that it was a boy, but we are absolutely thrilled to be having a daughter, and k wanted a little sister so she's very excited as well.

people who guessed girl and were right, for the record:
christina, who will be sharing baby brooklyn's hand-me-downs
dawn, who guessed right away from the timing on my chart
linda, my boss, who is chomping at the bit to buy a baby girl outfit
my dad, who has had the pants charmed off of him by many baby girls
stacey at my dentist's office, who predicted that my wicked morning sickness was a sure sign of a girl
derrick who sits in the cubicle next to me, who was 100% sure for no apparent reason
d, who had a baby girl dream last week (contradicting his baby boy dream)
k, who bet me a penny that it was a girl and wished on every star for a sister